In a world of being politically correct and men and women trying to act 'equal' I feel much has been lost in the relationship between man and woman.
David Deida writes very eloquently about how the feminist movement actually liberated the masculine qualities in women. That was an important and maybe necessary step for women in order to be seen and heard in a man's world. However, what we have lost over time, both from being oppressed for so long and from feeling like we needed to be equal to and act like men to find our place in the world, is devastating.
We, as women, have lost the essence of our femininity. We have lost the essential power of woman...and we have lost our ability to surrender.
Men, have become confused about how to be with us...now that we are so busy acting like them.
Men and women have lost the courage to be what they naturally are. Women are not able to be more masculine, without the 'feminization' of men.
...and we wonder why we haven't been fucked properly, in who knows how long, by a man we can trust!
Surrender is one of the most important elements, from both parties, in a relationship. It has become increasingly difficult to surrender in our world for several reasons; 1) we are constantly being lied to (by our friends, family, and the media), 2) we have been so severely hurt by the opposite sex as individuals and as a society we can no longer allow ourselves to trust.
Here comes the personal part of the story...
One day I will share the entirety of the story of how I met and got together with my beloved, the important piece of the puzzle in this moment takes place on a hike that we went on together which was to be our first official 'date', although we had known each other for several months and had already confessed our love to one another.
What my love did not know on that day was that I had become clear before our hike that it was not the right time for me to have a relationship and I was going to tell him as soon as we reached our destination, and got out our picnic, that I could not move forward at this time...
We arrived at the waterfall after a long and lovely hike, and took out our lunch. Then I launched... I began to tell him how I could not do this, it wasn't the right time, I was committed to my spiritual path, to love and truth, to rediscovering my sexuality in a new way...and I felt I needed time on my own to get clear before I began a relationship.
He listened to me, looked me in the eyes, and said, 'You say that you are committed to love and truth above all things, and that is why you can't move forward with me...but you seem completely blind to the fact that love is here, with me, and you are using your 'spiritual path' as an excuse to avoid the intimacy that is available to you'.
Gulp. That fucker! Who does he think he is? Isn't he supposed to just listen to me, tell me he respects my opinion and leave it at that?
...and then something amazing happened...I got wet. You see, before this moment I had only interacted with men who would listen to what I said, and 'allow me my process'. Men who would not get their hands dirty by telling me the truth at the risk of hurting my feelings. Men who would rather maintain the status quo than fight for a loving relationship.
And I knew he was right. I knew it through to my core.
Then I began to cry...I cried for all of the things I might potentially lose by choosing to be with him; how my friendships would change, how my precious new spiritual practice would have to change, how everything would be unknown in the face of this love.
And he just held me. He didn't shhhhhh me, he didn't say, 'don't cry', he didn't try to tell me what I wanted to hear, he didn't apologize for hurting my feelings...he held his ground and loved me.
(It is important to note that in the past I have used my tears as an unconscious way to manipulate men into seeing it my way and giving me what I want. It is also important to note, that once they have done this I immediately find them less attractive.)
After about two hours of crying, I looked him in the eyes and said, 'you can fuck me now'.
And it was the best decision I have ever made in my life.
The surrender I experienced and continue to experience in this relationship comes from a deep trust that my man is ever faithful to truth and to love....even if it will hurt my feelings. I can also surrender because I know that he will not be manipulated by my emotions like so many men have. He will allow them, witness me experiencing them, love me through them, but they will not change his opinion or stance on any issue. As a man, he is clear within himself, and I can relax into and trust his sense of direction and clarity. I can be a woman.
Bringing this back to Tantric sex (since this is the memoir of a Tantrika)...my beloved showing up as a man in this way and my surrender to him, is probably the number one factor in why our sex life has transcended what I had dreamed possible. And to those who think that Tantric Sex is just about hours of lovemaking and fancy breathing techniques... without the element of surrender, these are pretty much worthless.