The most challenging thing that I have experienced on my journey of taking a hiatus from genital sex with my beloved is that I often feel like I am relating to two different men. One man, is dictated by his past. When something is triggered in him, he reverts back to behaviors that have served him well in protecting him when he was a child, but are no longer helpful.
When I first got together with my love I wrote him an email telling him that I would kill him. At the time I knew that it was true, but I was not entirely sure what it meant. Now I am learning that what I meant was that being in relationship with me would bring to the surface his past and his ideas about the future and I would slay them.
Once dead, these habits would make way for another man. This is the man I fell in love with. A man who moves from his heart, connected to his body, in service of truth. A man who is not held prisoner from the pleasure of the present moment by the pain of his past or his future desires.
I believe that every woman sees this in the man she falls in love with, the absolute essence that is at the heart of man. I also believe that when woman trusts herself and her love, she will naturally demand to see this part of her man and when she does not she will feel hurt, sad, frustrated and seriously pissed off.
That is what I have often felt throughout this process. Through my own confusion, I can see quite clearly that this process is bringing to the surface all of the sides of both of us that are limiting us and it is making way for true love to live through us. I know this because I see the past and the future spilling out of my love when he is triggered and feeling trapped by the situation.
I also know this because when he surrenders to the moment, and shows up with his heart to meet me, we are experiencing rare depths and our relationship is deepening in ways I could not have imagined.
After experiencing such depths, it feels insulting to me when he speaks of how this process of abstaining from genital sex is some kind of 'shut-down' or elaborate trap. Because I have seen the side of him that knows this is not true.
I have read enough self-help books to know that what I see in him is merely a reflection of what I am going through. I acknowledge and embrace that. In this blog I am attempting to share, uncensored, what my perspective has been.
One of the reasons that I have chosen to write about his struggle and our struggle together as we navigate this assignment, is because I read him the blog I wanted to post and he thought it was too 'airy fairy' and avoiding the truth of the absolute war that we are experiencing within.
He was right.
This process is not easy.
This process is Tantra.
It may be the first time that Tantra has truly shaken us to the core and is literally requiring that we face our patterns and move beyond them.
I am not interested in denying my love anything, what I am interested in is discovering what might happen if for even just one moment we stopped trading needs and actually related from love.
I have surrendered my life to this inner knowing that there is more. It is tempting to stop asking difficult questions now that I am in the relationship of my dreams, but life is supporting me as I keep going. This is me putting my money where my mouth is. This is Tantra.
....and I have no idea what will happen next.
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