The Celibate Tantrika?

Tantra never ceases to amaze me. I am just returning from a retreat called Beyond Bliss with my beloved teacher Dawn Cartwright.

The workshop was amazing and much to my surprise, in the final moments of sharing, my teacher shared a strong intuition...due to my beloved and I being so in love, so committed to a lifetime together, and so identified with who we are sexually, she suggested that the next step for us to go deeper... was to take a year away from genital sex.

The craziest thing is that as she said it, although I did feel the world crumbling beneath my feet, I also had a sense that she was right. Somehow she had simply spoken what my body was trying to tell me. I would never have drawn the conclusion myself because my identification with being a sexual being is simply too strong for me to consider such a thing.

The journey since June 1st, my 29th birthday, when she offered this exercise, through to now has been a whirlwind.

In these few days I have seen all sides of myself and my beloved. I have exposed the sides of myself that are terrified that taking time away from sex will inevitably push my love away. The sides that secretly think he only loves me for my pussy. The sides that swore never to be the kind of woman who 'withholds sex'. The sides that just want to please my beautiful man above all else. The sides of myself that have considered settling for where we are because it is sooooo amazing and honestly, it is the deepest connection I have ever seen in relationship.

It has also reminded me of the side of myself that committed to truth and love above all things. The side that trusts in Tantra, trusts in myself, trusts in him ...that knows we have unknowingly chosen this together.

It has been too emotional to decide if we are ready to commit to the year, so for the time being we have committed to abstain and have a conversation in 10 days once we have moved through the initial layers of shock and emotion and decide what feels true for us ultimately.

Four days in and I am already so much closer to myself, so much closer to him, and so much deeper in partnership it is amazing. That is the thing about Tantra, it is different for everyone...some will come to me for guidance and I will suggest that they make love all the time, even when they are not 'in the mood'... that is what will lead them deeper, for me it just may be a loving partnership with loads of chemistry, but no sex (for now) that shows me more of what is available between two human beings.

I can see and feel him loving me in new ways, I feel his love and desire for me when he walks in the door and I let it seep into my body. I lay naked on top of him and absorb our connection, I trust that it has pathways I have not yet discovered and I do not try to manipulate it. I feel lost sometimes, without my 'bag of tricks' to satisfy my man... instead of throwing my vagina at him I trust that my loving is touching him in all that we share.

I still have so many questions and fears. I am reaching for support from my community and I feel their love and caring. I am scared that he will leave me, or search out sex somewhere else. Scared we will grow apart or forget how to relate to one another. Scared that our sexual energy will die down or become dormant from lack of use...

...but a part of me knows that none of that is true. When I am deeply honest with myself, a part of me has been calling for something more. Often after our lovemaking in the last several months...I have said to my love, 'I know there is more...more of me, more love to share....and I am going to find out how to share it with you'. I am scared to admit that I know inside of myself, that this strange suggestion is the very thing that will open the door to true love. A love beyond the beyond, a love and connection that so few people ever get close to... I am on the edge of this discovery, the only thing left to do is jump.

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Posted on June 4, 2008 and filed under Uncategorized.