I don't even know how to begin to describe the last couple of days. I have traveled from lost in confusion to the absolute edges of bliss within moments.
Yesterday, along with many other days, my beloved and I were facing challenges. Both of us spent the day saturated in uncomfortable feelings.
Last night I was so thrilled to participate in my beloved teacher Dawn's new weekly class. So glad that my love would be there with me.
The class unfolded and we wound up in separate groups, which was fine.
The meditation was from the Vighyan Bhirav Tantra. The sutra was 'Look lovingly at an object, without looking away'. The object, in this case, was another human being.
There was so much power and beauty in this meditation, in the space that Dawn held, and in what I brought with me inside my own body to class.
Gazing at the people in the class became so delicious. Where many times I feel that eye contact is excruciating, this time I found it simple and nourishing. I love it when I get to that space.
I felt my body begin to unlock. I have been having this feeling in orgasm recently. Like I am being peeled open and spreading out. Before I have felt it only in my heart. Last night it revealed me all the way into my pelvis.
I often live with a gate between my pelvis and my heart, I feel the gateway is opening. It is exciting and scary. I am in uncharted territory.
I felt totally new afterward. Many friends gathered around me to share their love with me. I felt supported and loved...and still very lonely because I could not feel the connection with my beloved.
I helped clean up, wandered out, and even drove to my friend's house with this opening in my body that felt alien and unsettling. I was uncomfortable unless I was sitting still, my head was pounding and I was acutely aware of every breath moving in and out of my body. I knew that something was changing inside of me.
When my love arrived, there was still a terrible distance between us. It melted away within the hour when we both submerged ourselves in the warm water of the hot-tub. The pull toward each other is too strong to deny...especially when we allow ourselves to be naked (literally and figuratively).
In the hot tub we held and massaged each other, I began to feel the opening I had experienced ground in my body. My headache dissolved and suddenly the world looked more beautiful than ever before. Every leaf seemed to be singing, a song without words that I heard directly from my heart. The water caressed me as I moved through it. My love, although sitting next to me, was alive inside of my body. I was so happy.
I once again remembered why I am so dedicated to this path of Tantra, even when I feel like it is driving me insane. When I surrender, it shows me life as it really is. The simplicity, beauty, pleasure, bliss...and everything else that is held in each moment. Last night, I allowed myself to see life as it really is.
To be continued...
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