After my evening of Tantra, hot-tubs and new awakenings in my body, the story continued upon my return home with my love. In the hot tub, he had challenged me that my commitment to taking time away from genital sex was actually a fear of surrendering fully to him and his love.
I listened. This process is multi-layered for me and I don't have a clear grasp of what is best. I just have an endless desire to be closer and closer to life, to myself and to my beloved. So far, with all of the challenges we have faced in the last six weeks, I have embodied new parts of myself and brought more to our relationship...undeniably.
I do long to have my love inside of me, and now with more space, more love, more allowing I am feeling like a new woman in many ways. Available to him in ways I have never been before.
And even still, I feel there is more. I feel like I have begun to chip away of what has held me back from fully receiving man and for whatever reason, this process is supporting me in that. I am scared that by ending it too soon I may be missing out on the jewels to come. I feel this deep inside of me.
I also feel that this is benefiting my beloved. I can see and feel him sharing new sides of himself too and facing demons that no other challenge has yet called him to face.
In our sleep last night we fell into a delicious, sensual romp. I was very present and my body was open. It felt wonderful.
When we awoke, more loving.
...and more challenges from my love, asking me to surrender, open all the way to him, beyond my fears.
I made a point to listen to him, rather than argue my point.
As I listened, without resisting, he came closer and closer to me. I heard him tell me how he loves me, I felt how hard it was for me to hear. How impossible it is to believe that his love could possibly be real and available to me.
I began to feel scared. Since I was taking a break from pointing fingers about what he needed to look at I had the chance to feel myself more. The more he showed me his love, the more he invited me to meet him in this love, the more terrified I became.
After we had shared some sensual time together I asked him if we could put into practice the exercise from Dawn's class the night before...'look lovingly at an object and do not look away'. He agreed. We sat across from one another and gazed at each other. First into our eyes, then our entire bodies. I felt so delighted and nourished. I felt his love caressing my body through his eyes. I felt so blessed to have a partner who would share this kind of moment with me.
By the time he left for his afternoon of Karate I felt both filled with loving and deeply in my fears..which had no face or name.
to be continued...
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