When my love returned to me from his afternoon of Karate he was open and excited to see me. He pulled off my clothes and played with me joyfully.
We got hungry and moved into the kitchen to make something to eat. We wound up on the floor kissing and grasping at each other. I felt myself desiring him and opening up, and at the same time I was becoming more and more afraid.
I asked him to place his penis at the entrance of my vagina (without going inside) ...I know that this is the moment when I would often shut-down and I wanted to experiment with being in that space that frightens me to see what it reveals.
I held him close to me and began to cry, 'I just want to get it right...make the right choice..'
This is so typical for me. I often feel motivated by my desire to 'do it right' and 'be good'...so much so that I cannot feel who I am or what I truly want.
'I'm so scared'
'I know.' he said.
I suddenly felt a massive pain in my throat. I grabbed at it wanting relief.
'say whatever you have to say' he said.
I could not feel any words.
I became hysterical. I wailed and cried until words began to come...
'get away from me....stop...leave me alone...leave me alone' I screamed.
I knew that I was not talking to the man before me, but I also did not see or feel who I was talking to. I have no recollection of any kind of sexual abuse in this lifetime.
I did not need a face or a scenario to go with what I was feeling...I just allowed it to come. I knew that I was releasing part of what has been keeping me from opening to my love.
My crying subsided and I relaxed a bit. I felt like a weight had been lifted.
I began to truly feel the purpose of this entire exercise, this time in our relationship.
I know that I am coming closer to myself. I have no idea what happens next.