Self-Hate

In my return to lovemaking, I have had some unique breakthroughs. The other night my love and I were making love and I felt almost totally numb. I could feel him moving in and out of me, but there was no pleasure, no opening, no softening on my part to really let him in. I struggled with it for a moment trying to 'let go'...and eventually asked my love to give me some space.

When he slid out of me I began to cry, throw a tantrum really. He handed me a pillow and encouraged me to rage into it with whatever was coming up for me. I began once again to yell, 'I hate you', 'I hate you', 'I hate you'...

I wanted to say something else, but those were the only words that came. Over and over again, 'I hate you', 'I hate you'.

Now, the last time this happened, I was convinced that I was having some kind of flashback to abuse from my past, some kind of violation. I tried to feel who I was yelling at so I could gain some clarity.

This time I just focused on the feeling, and allowed the words to come.

After about 15 minutes it became crystal clear to me that the one who all of this anger and hate was directed towards was me. It was me that I hated, me who was violating me and who continues to violate me, me, me, me, me, me.

What a feeling.

The moment I saw it something unlocked inside of me. I told my beloved that it was me all along...he smiled and replied, 'I know'.

Shit! How did he get the message before me? I hate that!

Shame. Sadness. More Hate.

Then release. A sweet softness over my entire body.

We rested. Then cuddled and caressed one another, and when I was ready, we made love.

It was lovely. I was present. I remembered how delicious this union can be.

...and the journey continues.

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