Recently, I was recommended a book by a friend called, Women and Desire, Beyond Wanting to be Wanted by Polly Young-Eisendrath. It struck a chord in me and I bought it right away.
It threw me back to a memory of being 17 years old in New York City in a 'Meisner' Style acting class. The class was one of my first (unknown to me) experiences of Tantra. The exercise was to sit across from your partner and one person makes an observation...you repeat that observation back and forth between you until one of you notices something in yourself or the other that you express...and so on, and so on.
I was partnered with a man that I did not find attractive and would never date, and yet, there was some underlying energy between us that I could not and did not want to define. Something that I was ashamed of...
We were mid-way through the exercise and my teacher intuited that there was something I was not saying...she dared me to be totally truthful. I felt that she wanted me to say that I was attracted to him, but I knew that did not feel all the way true. I wanted so much to be brave and break through what I was hiding...
Finally, I found the words inside of me that felt true, 'I want you to want me'.
It was such a relief.
And in that moment, I became aware just how much of my behavior is motivated by that desire.
I also became aware of what a bottomless pit of longing I am. I have this endless hunger to 'seduce' everyone into desiring me, thinking of me as the best friend, the best lover, the best teacher, etc...and when they do I just feel empty and hunger for more. Or worse, I don't believe them because I secretly know that they are in love with a facade. I have never really shown them who I truly am -a hungry monster, self-conscious, manipulative, angry, having no idea how to receive the love that is shared with me once I get it.
So, I have only finished reading the intro of the book and so far I feel fascinated by how much it is resonating with me.
I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to continue to see these hidden truths about myself. I continue to adore Tantra for the 'great reveal' that I experience when I allow myself to be touched by the meditations.
**This Saturday Aug 16th 6-9pm I have a class being offered in Silver Lake/ Los Angeles...there are still a few spaces left if you are ready to dive into Tantra and see what is available for you when the meditations bring you back to yourself. Click here for registration and Details.