Losing Control...

I went into a total panic today doing a back bend walking down the wall in Yoga class. The most amazing thing is that I CAN walk my hands all the way down the wall into the full back bend. In this exercise we had to bring awareness from the 'starting spot' on the wall. Just a slight back bend with hands pressed into the wall. I began to flip out. I totally lost the use of all the tools I have been working for years to learn, create and trust in. I could not breathe, could not use my muscles. The teacher was helping me, reminding me of where the channels of breath are in my body to support me, encouraging me to engage in the areas I was avoiding to better support my body and my process, inviting me to relax my body and breathe....somewhere inside of me I knew it was possible, but I just could not figure out how to do it. I hated myself for feeling so incapable. I know how to fucking relax...I know how to breathe!!! DAMN it! What is wrong with me? The slightest bit of stress and I lose everything! ...and how this must be manifesting in my life...

I came out of the pose encouraging myself to find a last bit of strength and come out smoothly without injury. As I came up I noticed the entire class looking at me. It was disorienting. I felt I had lost control of the part of me that monitors if people are approving or disapproving of me. I knew somewhere inside of me that they had all been through this before and they were looking at me with love and support, but I could not feel that. All I could feel was strange confusion...wondering if I had done something wrong or stupid to garner this attention.

The journey continues...just keep trying not to take myself too seriously.

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Posted on October 8, 2008 and filed under Uncategorized.