Lately, I have noticed that I have been rather negative. Thinking negative, sludgy thoughts, speaking of the things that are not going the way I would like in a negative way, and in many ways hanging out and bathing in this well of negativity. It occurred to me that I have probably been creating a negative cloud around me and I should refer back to tools such as; the power of 'thinking positive'. Problem is, that whenever I consider tools around 'positive thinking' or 'gratitude' it makes me want to vomit. Seriously, something just does not feel right about it. Something is off.
When I have an internal 'yes' for something there is no stopping me. I can feel it in my body, in my teeth, how right it is and the universe moves in order to support me in that yes.
I often feel this 'yes' when I meet a teacher who I resonate with, a person I want to spend more time with, a work partner... and, of course, I feel this yes for Tantra.
Yesterday, within my sludge of negativity, I had a fantastic day of delicious meditation. I began in the afternoon with my meditation on the goddess Tripura Bhairavi, which I learned from a recent workshop with Parvathi and have taken on as a 40 day practice to embody the qualities of this goddess in my life... I then gave a private session where my client and I delved into Bio-energetic techniques to build the charge of life force and arousal in our bodies before allowing it to flow through us... and finally, I attended Dawn Cartwright's Friday Tantra Experience class where we awakened to the Sutra 'Unminding Mind, Be in the Middle, until...'
By the time I arrived at class I was already buzzing. Within the first five minutes I felt something crack open inside of me and I was alive with absolute love and gratitude... I did not think this, it was an actual physical sensation. I felt my absolute devotion to Tantra on a cellular level and my love for Dawn, for my beloved, for all my friends... and even for the strangers who shared in this evening with me. Ahhhh.
...And suddenly I knew why I feel sick when I think about positive thinking or gratitude lists...
What I am longing for, what I know to be real and true in my body, is so far beyond my negative thoughts, so far beyond changing my behavior or thinking in any way, what I am longing for isn't even on the same planet as these concepts. What I am longing for is simple, it is effortless, it is absolute reality and it awakens through my body. Once I touch it, everything is transformed. Negative thoughts are not a 'problem' because the story has dissolved. I don't need to 'think positive' or 'be grateful' because I am fully embodied. The wholeness that I experience is in itself a radiant love and gratitude, and I don't need to name it.
This is what I am holding for. This is what I surrender everything to. This is what Tantra has given me.