The Secret to Great Sex

It has become clear to me that no matter what the exact issue that brings a client through my door, everyone is grasping for the secret to having a deeply fulfilling experience in lovemaking. People often want to believe or are searching out a technique that, once learned will finally satisfy their partner and transform their experience.

...and there are some techniques out there that are interesting and worth exploring, but the big secret is that great sex does not come from learning something you can 'do' differently.  It comes from how intimate you are with yourself.

Our culture has little tolerance for dedicating any time or energy to fully experiencing our bodies because we have become so result oriented.  God forbid we step away from our computer and the possibility of accomplishing one more thing, in order to nourish ourselves!

If we do take the time to nourish ourselves, it comes in the form of a spa treatment, a nice meal out, a ball-game, a Yoga class, etc.  And all of these things are WONDERFUL!  But how many of them really turn you on?  I mean how much of your life touches you in your sex?  Seriously, take a moment to think about it.  When you are not engaged in having sex what percentage of your life are you experiencing the wholeness of yourself including your sexuality?

...I thought so.  Way too little.

The worst part is that we have almost no experience of the potential of our bodies, no relationship to our own sexuality (other than a few goal-oriented masturbation sessions), and yet, we expect our partner to be able to satisfy us and take us to new heights... and if they can't, we whisper about it to our friends and long for our partner to change.

The good news is that getting in touch with your body and your sexuality is EASY.  Yes, it is.  Whew!  All it takes is a curiosity, an investment in those possibilities that you feel within you, but often don't listen to.

Try this:

Take the time for a walk in the park or on the beach, while you are there, take a moment to pause and be silent.  Allow yourself to notice what you feel through each sense in your body.  What do you smell?  How does the air feel when it touches your skin?  What colors and shapes do you see?  Sounds do you hear?  Allow yourself to truly absorb all of the sensations of the moment and through this begin to discover something new inside yourself and your relationship to all things.

"All around you, in every moment, The world is offering a feast for your senses.  Songs are playing, tasty food is on the table, Fragrances are in the air, Colors fill the eyes with light.

You who long for union, Attend this banquet with loving focus.  The outer and the inner worlds open to each other..."

~Vighyan Bhirav Tantra as translated by Lorin Roche Ph.D.

It is so simple that it is almost deceptive because we are not accustomed to allowing life to be simple.

And it is from this place of truly feeling ourselves in a new way, and coming into intimate contact with the world within and without that the great secret to lovemaking is revealed: attunement.

Yup.  No special technique, no following steps 1,2,3 and boom!  As you become more intimate with yourself you will naturally become more intimate with the world.  As you become more intimate with the world you will begin to notice how to simply allow yourself to come into an attunement with this moment in your body.  As you attune to the moment, you become more sensitive to, and can easily attune to your partner.  It is from this place that true lovemaking happens.

As you become more and more sensitive, you will even begin to 'hear' what your partners body is telling you.  A longing for a caress here, an invitation for a deeper more vigorous movement, a call to slow down, and so on.  You become one of those rare people that you have heard of in the myths that friends have told you about that past lover who just magically knew what to do, how to touch and who drove them wild.

You can only become aware of these responses in your partner, you can only come into this level of attunement when you have an intimate relationship with yourself.

In many ways you will practice this attunement in every moment of your life.  Life becomes your greatest lover, even just the breath moving in and out of the body is recognized as the sweet pleasure that it is, and sharing with another human being is a delicious expression of this loving.

Want to use this article? You can as long as you include the following: Charu Morgan has dedicated her life to Tantra. Over the past 10 years she has studied and shared Tantra worldwide.  Best-known for her candid Memoirs of a Tantrika blog and her down-to-earth approach, she is committed to educating modern minds on the ancient secrets of Tantra through coaching, events & home-study courses.  If you would like to discover how Tantra can Transform your life, register online for the Memoirs of a Tantrika weekly ezine at and receive your free audio report Better Sex, Richer Life through Tantra.

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