A Mythical True Story from February 2007... I feel like much of my life I had been waiting at the platform, waiting, waiting for the train to arrive. People would see me standing there and they would laugh at me, or comment amongst themselves how glad they were that it was not they who stood and waited. Some with kindness in their hearts even tapped me on the shoulder and told me stories of how there was no train and I should drop it and come inside where it is warm, they brought me sandwiches and an umbrella when it rained... shaking their heads as they watched the foolish girl at this lonely abandoned station. They did whatever they could to 'talk some sense into that girl'....but still I waited.
I had a feeling that the train was there all along, but somehow I had lost my eyes to see it...and so I waited.
One day the train arrived! Whoopie! It rolled to a stop and the conductor looked at me; warm, loving, open...even so he was stern with me, 'do you know what it means to get on this train young lady?' 'yes! I've been waiting my whole life, and now you've come! I am ready! I will do ANYTHING! I am so grateful that you have come for me!'
'Do you understand that there is no more pretending?'
'Yes, yes, I've been longing for this'
'Do you understand that once you get on you cannot get off?'
'There is nothing you can say that could deter me from this ride', said I.
and at that he helped me on board with a smile and a wink.
Happily I travelled on the truth train, managing to stay on board as it bucked and swayed and made me aware of the edges I had come to trust.
Until one day, quite recently, I met a man and I felt like a woman. And I tasted such sweetness, and I felt happy.
I tapped the conductor on the shoulder, "excuse me sir, I think this is my stop."
"young lady, did I not tell you when we first pulled up to your station that there are no stops on this ride?"
He looked at me all at once stern and endlessly loving and I remembered. I remembered what I had agreed to when I boarded the train, I knew that there was no stopping and no turning back. I also knew that theirein lies the bliss...I had boarded this train in search of a sensation beyond my preference of happy or sad, I had boarded this train for truth and I shall stop at nothing less.
I know that it is that very longing for truth that led me to this relating with man, and I know that this loving is far more profound than my fondness for happiness, this loving has the potential to show me all sides of myself, this loving has the potential to point me toward the deepest truth, the reason I boarded the train, the memory that I AM LOVE.
And as I stumble along bumping into so many aspects of myself that I would rather not see in my attempts to be the perfect partner, lover, and beloved...some part of me sits in the knowing that the love that I am is far greater than the drama that I play with.
The conductor watches me as I struggle, I feel him loving me and yet he does not come to save me from myself...he just holds me on this train and reminds me who I am.
And so bring it on! I say....I am ready for more than the shallow happiness that I have settled for, holding on to my visions of perfection at the expense of what is happening here and now. I am staying on this train, I am taking it all the way home. I know there is more to this life, to the love between man and woman and I refuse to stay safe. I vow to die to my illusions and emerge in this love.