Recently I had a conversation with a beautiful client of mine. She is a very powerful, conscious woman who is devoted to her spiritual path and is now in a rich and powerful partnership with a man she loves. Everything in their relationship is rich and in alignment. Their visions, intentions, goals, work, priorities.... only thing off is the sex.
It is really challenging both of them because they are so much in love.
Thing is, although this has never been a challenge for him before, he can’t get or maintain an erection when they are together. This is bringing up tension and anxiety for both of them and making it difficult for them to surrender more deeply into the love they feel for one another.
I had some great news for her; while this is a challenge and it can take an investment of time and energy to move through something like this, it is definitely possible to break through into new territory.
That ‘new territory’ does not mean that this man will simply have to ‘deal with his issue’ and then they will have great sex finally with his rock-hard erection. New territory means that this is a powerful opportunity. Perhaps BECAUSE they have such a genuine connection, perhaps BECAUSE they are both so intuitive and devoted to their spiritual path this challenge is inviting them to look at sides of themselves that the rest of their spiritual journey has not yet touched.
Important parts of themselves, parts that when they clear will not only open the gateway for them to have a great sex-life, but will also open the door for all of the work they have already done to come into full manifestation on this earth. When the lower chakras are not alive, open, accepted, included then there is a very real limitation of our potential for awakening. As we are HUMAN- beings our humanity is necessarily part of our process of awakening.
I guided her to do something very powerful. To bring her awareness back to HERSELF and take the attention away from the ‘problem that he has’.
1. I encouraged her to experiment with soft penetration ~ this is where they would still have intercourse, only with his penis soft. Click here to read an article I wrote on this or check out the book: Tantric Orgasm for Women by Diana Richardson which talks about this in great detail.
This technique takes the pressure off immediately that says ‘he has to be hard’ and allows two lovers to connect intimately in a new world without goals, where they can allow the bodies to connect and re-sensitize to one another. Experiencing and enjoying all levels of tumescence is a great blessing that we do not honor at all in our culture. Great openings can happen even with a flaccid penis.
*IMPORTANT NOTE: In a circumstance like this when we enter into soft-penetration it can be difficult because our thoughts of ‘why isn’t he getting hard?’, ‘what is wrong with him?’, ‘isn’t he attracted to me?’, ‘why have I found the perfect man, but we can’t connect this way?’, ‘will I ever have great sex again’, ‘I just want to have mind-blowing lovemaking that matches the depth of our connection... am I with the right person after all?’
This is where step 2 comes in...
2. Both partners can practice this, but I will orient to the woman partner (since the conversation I had happened to be with my woman client); when you notice the thoughts running through your head about all that is ‘wrong’ with the situation/moment, bring yourself back to sensation. This is your teaching, this is your ‘Guru’... anxiety coming up in your body (or whatever emotion/feeling is there) is NORMAL and it is coming up to be cleared. If you were with the ‘perfect’ lover you would not have to sit with this and it is a clearing and awakening for the new depths you will experience together.
3. Rather than dwelling in the thoughts, notice where you feel this emotion in your body. For example; ‘I have an intense stomach cramp and my shoulders are tight, I feel like I am not breathing as deeply, the pain in my stomach feels like a black bubble’... if you feel comfortable voice this out loud to your partner (without the story about why you feel this way, that’s not what this moment is about).
4. Allow your partner to see you and hold you in this. In this moment he can be empowered to hold a strong space for you, rather than feeling dis-empowered that his body is not working the way he wants it to be (once again this exercise can be practiced by BOTH parties).
5. Give yourself over to whatever is the strongest feeling in your body, for example: the ‘black bubble’ in your stomach. Magnify the sensation rather than trying to make it better, feel it getting bigger and more intense in your body... this may feel counter-intuitive, but staying with it will support a powerful clearing.
As you stay with the intensity in your body you may feel vulnerable, frightened, you may cry or scream. This is all perfect. The body is going through the process it needs to in order to release parts of you that have ‘hardened’ and are not allowing energy to flow.
Because of these responses in the body it is a good idea to let you partner know that you are going to be trying this exercise before you begin the process and what might happen so they won’t be alarmed. Invite them to participate with you by feeling free to express what they are feeling in their body and let them know that this is not about making you ‘feel better’... it’s about a creative process of allowing the clearing to happen.
This process is a powerful first step and can be used in many different ways and for many different reasons within a partnership. Because this is the first step it is NOT about having an erection or trying to get an erection at all. It is about allowing yourselves to be truly ‘naked’ and supporting one another in this space of vulnerability.
Sharing this will not only begin to allow the bodies to re-sensitize and ultimately bring life and energy into areas where it is not yet flowing, but it also begins to create a space for you to discover your authentic sexuality. Relating to one another and connecting in an entirely new way, one that is far richer than what we have dared to imagine.