It's hard to know where to begin to check in with you about what has been moving for me over the past week.
I witnessed the birth of my friends baby while supporting her as a Doula, I shared with hundreds of you on my teleseminar 'Discover Your Authentic Sexuality', my interview with Daniel Gutierrez for the 'Awakening to Abundance' series just aired, I'm being interviewed by Kendra Thornbury next week for her 'Wealthy Goddess Telesummit', I had an amazing pot-luck at my home the other night as a follow-up for our most recent level 2 AND my beloved Martin's daughter is getting married tomorrow.
And I'm feeling crabby. I'm feeling like I can't get anything right, like I can't keep up with what's on my plate. I'm agitated and edgy and I am watching myself subtly want to make it everyone else's fault.
I am mind-fucking about the choices I make, are they right? are they wrong? Will I live a life fully expressed? Have I lost parts of myself that gave me joy? Will I ever get them back? If I did would they feel the same?
I'm a little embarrassed to say that everything is feeling very serious. And it has for a while now.
I am having trouble 'seeing the beauty in everything' and 'being grateful for what IS here' as I am wound up in some of the things I am putting effort into that are not working.
....I am feeling very human.
The other night, when the previous Level 2 attendees came over for a follow-up and pot-luck we played a super-fun game. We did a meditation to come into contact with what we feel has transformed within each of us since our level 2 experience and then we shared it with the group. After we shared, the group reflected back to us how they experience the changes in us.
Multiple people shared a sense of accepting the movement of emotion that sweeps through our lives and not trying to change it ~ I was so proud because I feel this is one of the most difficult things to teach seekers who have been attached to the light. There was a noticing and awareness that it was easier to feel close to people when they were honestly acknowledging the great joy & great pain that we all experience.
And when it came my turn, I shared about how the changes in me have not felt like an awakening, that I feel 2012 has brought me into a stage of some kind of tilling the soil and preparing for something new to emerge, but not knowing what that new thing is... and feeling the challenge and the frustration and sadness as I bump up against so many of the old things that are no longer working. Sometimes it seems like the same story over and over again, becoming more and more intense, waiting for me to finally relax into it.
And a long-time student shared this with me as his reflection:
'You are transforming from the princess to the queen... it's like before you were Alice in Wonderland, it was all so fun and amazing, now you are realizing the responsibility you have taken on'
This hit a chord in me. It felt so true. It feels like this process began when I turned 30 and has been slowly accelerating ever since. The journey of going from a free spirit who lived only for my own experience of awakening, to a woman who holds a sacred space in service of awakening... my own, and others.
I traded my la-dee-dah go-where-the-wind-takes-me self who in the middle of India used to say things like, 'I don't know why people would ever take on monthly expenses, then you become a slave to them' (back when I didn't even have a cell phone)... to having a substantial business with a list of responsibilities that is too long to detail here, including monthly bills that could cover the living expenses of a small family and a community of amazing loving people who look to me to hold their hand as they adventure through the sometimes perilous territory into consciousness.
My old self is confused, 'is this what I really want? What happened to answering to no one? What happened to adventure? What happened to freedom?'
My new self simply says, 'I am called, I am compelled and I am scared. I don't know what lies ahead, maybe I know less now than when I was roaming, but I know I have this piece to share... a small piece in the puzzle that can help put our fragmented world back together again (if that's even what wants to happen)... and I only feel whole when I am sharing it. Even if I wanted to, I could not go back to how I used to be... I have to find a new way to define freedom.'
And so I sit in the discomfort and the growing pains and take the next step on this wild ride knowing that life is strange, life is wonderful, everything is always changing and I am loved.