I spent almost all day Friday in bed crying.
It was excruciating, it was wonderful.
I felt my loneliness, I felt my longing to deepen my relationships within a community, I felt my sadness for how every choice we make in life somehow closes a door to another possibility, I felt the ache of wanting to merge with my beloved and somehow on this day I just could not reach him...
Throughout the day, many times I tried to get out of bed... each time I felt hobbled and woozy and the only thing that would bring me relief was to lie back down and cry.
So I did.
And Saturday was sweet, Saturday brought connection, rejuvenation, community (the photo above was taken in front of the movie theater on a lovely night out seeing 'The Intouchables' with my sweetheart and a friend ~ the movie was fantastic by the way)...
I share this with you because I think we have spent too much time fighting our sadness. Too much time seeing it as less-than, giving it labels like 'depression' and treating it like a big problem.
We have spent too much time looking to people who hold up images of 'the perfect life' or 'having it all' paying them money for their answers and feeling defeated when their techniques and plans seem to work for them and fall short with us.
I want to give you the gift that the teachers who have touched me the most have given me, the whole truth that for me, life still hurts sometimes. In fact, one of the most profound teachings I have received from Tantra is transforming my relationship to this pain. Rather than wanting to get rid of it or medicate it, I embrace it. I love it. I own it as a vital part of my humanness, and a vital part of my awakening.
It's still scary. It's still overwhelming. Anyone who promises that life will never be these things is lying or probably unconsciously promoting disconnect. And yet through my relationship with the Tantric practice I am held and I know that no matter what sensations and emotions show up in my life, I am ultimately going to be just fine.
And then, as quickly as the pain found me, maybe because I opened to it and invited it in, it leaves again and I am free to dance in the joy. A movement that is as natural as the rising and setting of the sun and the turning of the tides. In fact, the joy that finds me is so deep and so sweet because it can touch me so deeply. I can give myself to it in a way that before was not only unimaginable, but also inaccessible to me.
I am consistently humbled and in awe of life's movements and I credit the Tantric path for giving me the capacity to truly taste the textures and ride the waves with as much grace as possible.