Photo 'Awkward self' by Jessica Herrington
When we went around the room sharing where we were at during Nita Rubio's Tantric dance class, the word that I shared was awkward.
As I have shared recently, it's been a strange and unsettling time for me, and I am doing my best to sit with it.
As we moved through the class and listened to our bodies, allowing ourselves to be guided by where we feel pleasure, having full permission to contort into strange postures or simply stay perfectly still, something almost profound happened.
At a certain point, after exploring many active shapes, my body wanted to lie down and my spine began to wiggle like a serpent. Then my hips and my womb area wanted to circle intensely. It was very exciting. Gradually, pressure began to build, it felt like inside my womb was pressing out and I could feel I was on the edge of a breakthrough.
Yipee! I need a breakthrough! They are so fun! And then everything feels clear! Hoorah!
And then Nita's voice gently reminded the class (something that I have brought to my personal practice many times through this journey of refining my relationship to energy) 'when the intensity grows, eat it'... for me, this translated as not getting fixated or fascinated by the movement, but to actually soften the body to give the movement space to evolve.
And so I softened. And so the sensation dissipated. Bummer. There goes my breakthrough....
At the end of the class I shared this experience with the group and Nita reminded me of something very important, I have to let go of thinking that I know what a breakthrough looks like. Who knows? That feeling of dissipating may be leading down a new path where unknown and beautiful things are waiting.
It felt like such a wonderful metaphor for what I have been experiencing in my life. I think after doing such powerful work for so many years, I got used to and began to rely on my breakthroughs, my successes and even my undoing looking a certain way, having a certain flavor.
And now I feel awkward. Without an idea of what the next breakthrough might look like, with my usual tools not bringing the same relief or solace. Perhaps finally truly breaking through into something totally unknown to me.
As I continue to stand in this unknown space I am feeling like something new is coming through in the space I am holding at my events. The ground is fertile and I genuinely feel that brings a unique opportunity for those of you who are called to join me for the Awaken Weekend.
Every time I host this event something new opens for me. We grow together and this new unknown space feels like the razors edge of possibility.