The other day I got a BIG wake-up call. Martin and I were receiving support around our challenges (FYI common relationship mistake #1: thinking you have to do this alone... having someone hold the space for you to break through and go deeper is such a relief and at times a necessity ~ it does not make you weak). I have shared openly that we have begun a daily practice of the Tantric meditations to support us in moving through our challenges. Through these powerful practices, we are able to shed some of the layers of the fear & pain that create the discord between us so we can open to a purity within our own hearts.
The result of this practice is: more clarity when we come to communicate (less sticky), more possibilities to connect beyond all of the 'stories' we have been clinging to about right and wrong that have kept us feeling distant, delicious moments of sensuality and loving that can be difficult to find and to share through the busyness of life AND potential for a BIG breakthrough to once again touch what it was that made us fall in love in the first place!!
So, my BIG wake-up call was that as we were receiving support, ripe with the openings we had from our practice, it all became incredibly clear to me. I had been withholding my love. Now, don't give up on me, my mind was telling me I had some very good reasons, I mean,
The indignant little girl in me was saying;
"Martin is acting like an asshole and my interpretation of some of his actions is that they are not in service of our love and partnership and he is a difficult man and therefore I don't always want to open up given all of these terrible things.... ya know?"
And our teacher & friend gently reminded me to use this as an opportunity to grow (everyone needs reminders sometimes). To feel that excruciating sensation that came up when I was asked to just simply open my heart to Martin in one of these moments when I felt he was not open to me. He was blaming me. Why should I say it's all my fault? Why do I have to let him off the hook? If I do, am I potentially playing Pollyanna and only seeing the good when there are most certainly important issues that I need to be real about? What if all the good times in our partnership were based on me opening my heart no matter the circumstance and it was in trusting that which brought me to this point, knee-deep in a partnership that was feeling very less-than.
Or worse, what if by opening my heart anyway, I was perpetuating an old patriarchal idea that whatever man does is okay and I'm just supposed to shut my mouth and love him anyway. What if I was betraying the development of woman? What if I was betraying myself?
Our teacher gently guided me by reminding me that opening my heart, trusting love is not what leads one to the scenarios above, it's betraying our hearts that leads us to these things. He went on to invite the idea that perhaps opening my heart even when it hurts, or when it feels like it's Martin's fault will open up the possibilities for us to fall in love again. Perhaps with my heart open I will be able to assert my non-compromising ideas and visions without wavering.
Either way, if I was truly an explorer of the depths, if I truly wanted to know the uncharted territory of love and break out of the patterns that have been locking us into this uncomfortable dynamic, I would have to experiment. Experiment and see for myself. Whatever the outcome it could not possibly be more painful than holding back.
So, I turned to Martin in this moment, fuming because I could feel energetically that he was shutting down to me, I was certain he would judge me for having been shut down, certain he was smug in thinking he was right all along, that I was the one who was shut down... that he would use this as a reason not to look at his stuff...
I looked into his eyes. It burned. I felt angry, I felt resentful, I felt so ashamed. My eyes darted away, then back again... more burning. So much shame. Who am I? What have I done? How did I get here? What is wrong with me?
And I allowed the thoughts to flow, and I allowed the burning to have my heart. To melt away my pride, my argument, my protection... I prayed silently for opening and to be held by grace as I stepped into this uncharted territory. Naked, uncertain. I let it get very dangerous.
And then the magic happened, I saw in his eyes his heart open, I saw his defenses melt, I saw a human man who has been wrapped up in his hurt just as I have been wrapped up in mine. And there was space. Space for us to feel our love, space for something totally new.
There is truly NO WAY that I could navigate partnership without the support of the Tantric practices. Every single time they melt me and support me in feeling what is actually happening, rather than what I have been conditioned to believe is happening. (You'd be surprised at how different those 2 perspectives can be).
So now, it's time to share the very practices that have supported Martin and I through these ups and downs... I have decided to offer a 5 week couples tele-course. Covering everything from how to decide on practice times to walking you through several practices to support your loving connection (in sweet times & in challenges). This course can become the underlying pulse of your partnership. No matter what is moving between you, you can use these delicious, sensual & fun practices to create a foundation of love.
For more information and to enroll in this class, click HERE. It starts in just a few weeks, on Wednesday July 25.
I have known the power of these practices, and being a woman challenged in partnership I have understood the importance of them with new awareness and depth.....
I will continue to share with you as honestly as possible, everything I discover through the powerful teacher that is intimate partnership.
I love hearing your support, thoughts, comments & questions about what I am sharing. Please leave a comment here on the blog! :)