I'm staring into his eyes as he hovers so beautiful above me. The strokes as he enters me are sweet and seem not only to touch the walls of my vagina, but also to unlock something deeper inside of me. He is radiant, his face warm and glowing and I can literally feel through his eyes how much he loves me.
The warmth from where his body is touching mine is beginning to radiate outward and awaken more sensitivity in my own body. I touch my clitoris and the sensation intensifies. Deep, fluttering, pulsing…every beat of pleasure opens my being to him. I can feel myself pouring over into orgasm and I lock into his gaze.
Instead of getting lost in the intensity of the explosion in my body, I choose to stay in connection with him, I choose to let him see me. It almost burns to be seen as I am, so lost in sensation. A wild ride of pleasure and sharp shards of pain…somehow feeling the ache of not being seen, not being honored, not being loved at the very same moment as he is holding me so purely.
He is with me. Truly with me. Inside of every portal. He knows my heart.
This is what was missing over the last couple of days, this is what I was longing for. And it was the very wanting of this and comparing against this that was holding me back from receiving it.
It's kind of a miracle that we got here considering where we were less than 20 minutes ago….
As I got out of the shower and walked into the living room I felt a distinct, but subtle feeling expanding through my body. I could feel my breath slightly shorter than usual and a tightness in my stomach.
I found my love sitting on the floor in the living room in front of the fire with the dogs. He looked tired. He has been in pain for days with an injury from Karate class. The sensations in my own body became stronger inside of me and I began to recognize them. They are a form of anxiety, I'm feeling hyper-vigilant. Ugh.
I asked my sweetheart on a date tonight because although we have spent time together in the last few days, I'm aware we haven't really felt connected, deeply. I know it's effecting both of us. So, I wanted to set aside some time to nourish that connection. Only problem is that I have been feeling really crabby and 'off' today and I'm recognizing that these sensations in my body are stemming from wanting to please him, wanting to create the perfect night so we have the perfect connection and dance gleefully along into our blissful state.
When he sees me enter the room, with only a towel around my waist, he says, "wow baby, you have to be careful! You have no idea what you do to me." ~ it's sweet to hear that he finds me beautiful, but somehow I feel even more pressure inside to please him.
I crouch down next to him. I bring my head close to his chest. I can smell him. His eyes look tired and weak somehow and his face is a bit swollen from the pain-killers…he feels tender, but also somehow unreachable. I get scared. Scared that I won't be able to touch him deeply. As I feel his closed-off-ness, mine becomes even greater.
I kiss his cheek, feeling the prickle of his unshaven beard and tasting the sweetness of his skin.
"I'm noticing that I'm feeling scared Baby. I really want to connect with you and I'm feeling internal pressure. I notice I'm starting to get anxious because I feel like I'm going to have to 'generate' something in order to reach you. I know when I try, it usually doesn't work because you can feel the part of me that is straining for you."
"What is it you are looking for here from me? Are you wanting me just to listen?" He says kindly.
"Can you repeat back to me what I said so I know that you heard me please?" I ask, happy for the opening.
He repeats it back. I feel my body relaxing slightly. My belly swelling with a full breath. My heart opens slowly.
His kindness makes me feel safe to share more. Something is moving, clearing.
"I feel like with you so internal, dealing with the pain in your body, it's all my responsibility to create the connection. I don't feel you moving towards me at all and I don't know how to engage from that place. Somehow in my body, I feel a movement to be sensual and sexual with you in moments when either: you are in a naturally open and tender place, you are vulnerable with me or when you actively move towards me with your sexuality. But I'm not sure where to begin when I know you want to connect, but you aren't moving towards me."
I'm on a roll now so I keep going.
"It occurs to me that even when I walked in and you said something about me looking hot with the towel around me. It's like you threw me a hot-potato. You make a sexual comment, but your body language and energy is internal…so it just lands strange for me. Like I have this huge responsibility to make something happen when nothing has ignited that spark in me. I don't work that way. That doesn't work for me."
Miraculously, I can feel him hearing me.
"I hear what you are saying. I don't know what to tell you. I do want to be close to you. I love you, I want to make love to you, and I am so pre-occupied with this pain. I can't reach out to you in that way."
"I understand. It does suck though because things feel so rich when we are connecting. I feel better having talked about it, but I'm not sure where to go from here."
He looks up at me. Warm, caring. He laughs, "I know". Something in the way he heard me, something in his suddenly delicate face calls to me. Something has moved and I can feel him beyond his pain. It's warm and draws me close.
We kiss and suddenly everything is different.
"Thank you." he says.
I look at him puzzled.
"Thank you for knowing yourself and communicating that so clearly and without an agenda or daggers. I'm aware that this conversation could have gone very differently if you didn't have such awareness."
Now, I'm a goner. I jump onto his lap and everything inside of me bursts open. My body is beginning to throb and I'm open to whatever wants to be explored between us.
I'm proud of myself. I interrupted a pattern. This could have easily been a repeat of every other time I have felt anxiety thinking I needed to make a connection happen. I could have attempted to generate the sexual energy between us and he would have surely felt the disconnect. Leaving us both with a feeling of distance and disappointment.
I'm thrilled by him. Nothing turns me on like being heard. The space he gave to me allowed me to unravel the old story, feel myself again and see the best of him. What a gift!
I took the risk of speaking a tender truth and he found the space to actually listen and hear me which turned into a magical combination. For almost every woman I know, feeling heard is the most powerful aphrodisiac. It takes courage to interrupt the usual patterns that lead us down a familiar and yet destructive path.
We are all craving the deepest and most delicious connection available in our intimate relationships. It starts with being vulnerable and open as opposed to defensive and cutting (which can sometimes be our default when we are feeling tight). The first steps outside of the usual pattern are scary and ultimately worth the risk. If you are not experimenting with this in your partnership, I highly recommend it.
A great place to begin is with my couples home study course. Be on the look out for a special rate valid only THIS FRIDAY! ;)
If you feel ready to dive into a live Tantra event, I'm so excited to announce my next two events in Los Angeles. These events are designed to open something completely new inside of you and make way for the kind of lovemaking you have been aching for (whether you are currently in partnership or not).