I'm standing in the bathroom brushing my teeth in my short-denim skirt which is all wrong for how cold it is- even inside the house. I put it on because I know Martin loves it and we are about to have time to connect and make-love this morning. We've had a rough couple of days and I thought I would make an extra effort.
He's standing behind me and in the mirror I see him make a confused look while eying my skirt. He's smiling when he playfully says, 'A little cold for that, isn't it?'
I drop my eyes to look away from him and my shoulders curl forward. My stomach drops and I feel my heart shrink and burn inside of me.
I'm spinning with thoughts as I try to defend inside against the shame I feel, wanting to make him wrong, 'I did this for you, and now you are making fun of me. Why couldn't you just enjoy this and let it be special? What have I done wrong?' Inside of me the voices are loud, but outside I am silent.
None of it makes sense, but it's there and I know he can feel it too.
I don't want to miss out on this time together so I pretend I'm okay and try to connect.
He can feel that I'm not myself and he asks what's wrong.
"I just feel like you were making fun of me. I put this on for you and then I felt ashamed. I know it doesn't make sense, but I just need a minute to get over it."
He listens and explains and apologizes. I believe he meant no harm.
...but I still can't relax, can't open, can't shake this feeling of being tangled up inside and over-sensitive.
I can't help the tears that are running down my face.
He shifts gears and moves to hold me close and comfort me. Simultaneously, I feel his energy pull back from being sexual with me. It's as if he has said, 'oh well, I guess we won't be making love.. I'll just be that good dude who comforts my over-sensitive sweetheart now.'
But I don't want him to pull back. I want him to make love to me in this tender state. I don't want him to give up on me, I want him to love into my vulnerability and find a place that is sensual and accepting of my emotion.
I tell him this and we spiral into a conversation we have had a hundred times. He doesn't think he's pulled back, I now feel like he's dismissing what I felt, he's defending himself, I'm not feeling heard. Round and round we go.
Both of us just wishing for connection, both of us getting further from the possibility.
Something shifts and we agree to caress, cuddle and kiss. It starts to get good. I feel my body starting to warm, even though parts of me are very much still in my head. 'I wonder if he knows I'm still not feeling heard', 'I have so much work to do later today', 'I hate that we so often get into this kind of thing', and on and on..
We need to check the time... 20 minutes left before we both have to dive into our day. If we want to make love, we should just do it at this point.
I lay on the bed and open my legs, He is standing in front of me now naked, his penis full, but not all the way hard. I take him inside of me gently ~ not sure if I am ready to receive him, not sure if I will be open enough, but willing to explore.
He enters me slowly, looking into my eyes as he wraps one arm behind my head and the other around the small of my back.
With the first touch of him inside of my body everything disappears. I'm undone, I'm enveloped, I am everywhere and nowhere. His hands are a part of my body, every touch, every movement is precious and filled with a deep pleasure there are no words for.
Every stroke inside of me brings so much arousal and pleasure that my body pulses and swells. I feel an orgasm warming in my g-spot and then a crescendo happens in my heart and sounds pour out my mouth that could not be defined as pleasure or pain.
I'm moaning, I'm begging, I'm crying.
He looks in my eyes, his big hands on my face as his body moves. Love in his eyes, love pouring out his fingertips, love opening my body, showing me to myself.
'Hold me tight, hold me tight...tighter, tighter' my body has shattered to pieces and I need him to pull me back together. His weight, the strength of his arms around me, his breath on my cheek.
As we slow down and hold one another gently to complete I am struck.
I cannot define what opened this space for us, I didn't feel open... I didn't feel heard... I didn't feel particularly ready for penetration. Where did this magic come from that I so desperately want to define?
...and then I remembered my practice. I remembered the simple devotion that I bring every day to my Tantra practice.
I remember that this kind of lovemaking ~ the kind that undoes me, the kind that I long for to feed my being, the kind that opens the space for everything else in life to be easier, doesn't come from doing a special technique to turn him on or from manipulating or creating the perfect circumstance for us to connect or wearing the sexy outfit or even doing the things I know he likes. In fact, it doesn't even need us to be getting along to be there.
This kind of lovemaking comes from showing up every day for my practice. Comes from me being willing to open to new layers inside of myself. It's not logical, it's not mathematical, it comes from love, trust, devotion and practices that open doors inside of me that might otherwise have been forgotten.
It comes from his love and his practice too, thing is, I can't control that.
If you are ready for your lovemaking to change, if you are longing for something that you know is possible in connection and perhaps have never touched, begin your journey with the Awaken Weekend.
This is a perfect first step to opening up a new space to allow this kind of awakening. The practices are not difficult, but choosing to do things differently sometimes is. Are you ready to sacrifice what has been standing in your way? Are you ready to meet the sides of yourself that have been lost while you were trying to be 'good' or even 'rebellious' or trying to be who everyone else decided you should be?
This is the gateway to a deep satisfaction in lovemaking. This is the way to taste what is possible.
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