I’ve spent too much energy containing my wild sexuality.

This is a guest article from Calista an Embody Tantra trained teacher.

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Although I've been learning to embrace myself more fully, and to allow some of the more sensual and wild aspects of myself to be expressed; there is still a part of me that has been socially conditioned to “put it back in the box” where it is out of sight and won’t scare anyone around me or make them uncomfortable. 

I’m Calista. I’m an adventurer and the mother of two amazing daughters.  In 2018, I sold my home and left my job to become a vagabond and a writer. I found Tantra 6 years ago and am in awe of how this process has allowed me to rediscover and embrace my wholeness. It’s a joy to teach and share these practices with the world.  

A few years ago, I had a dream that I  was carrying around a small, white cardboard box.  Inside the box were a silverfish and a big, black spider.  I was trying to keep them inside the box, which was rather difficult since there was a hole the size of a quarter on one side of it.  Throughout the dream, I took the box with me while I ran errands, interacted with others, and moved through other typical day-to-day activities.  No one else seemed to notice or care that I was being so diligent about keeping the silverfish and the spider from escaping, but it was a constant source of stress for me.

Although the images were vivid, I couldn’t make much sense of the dream, but there was a sense of trying to control or contain something that didn’t want to be controlled or contained.  But what was it that I was trying so hard to repress?

I continued to reflect on this and then there was a realization that the dream was about my relationship with my sexuality.  

Although I've been learning to embrace myself more fully, and to allow some of the more sensual and wild aspects of myself to be expressed; there is still a part of me that has been socially conditioned to “put it back in the box” where it is out of sight and won’t scare anyone around me or make them uncomfortable.  

To me, the silverfish represents the guilt and shame that I've often felt related to my sexual nature and my choices to express them through dance, prose, clothing (or lack of it), flirting, kissing, seduction, and sex.  I judge that others see my choices as “disgusting” (much the same way I feel about a silverfish), especially as a woman in a culture that both encourages and condemns women who are overtly sexual. The spider represents my fear of what will happen if I let myself be more openly expressive.  

Although the essence of my sexuality feels innocent and ecstatic to me; I have not always felt safe expressing this aspect of myself, especially since I've met many men who've been conditioned to believe that a woman who is sexually expressive is inviting others to violate her.  So how do I safely show up as a woman who is sweet and sensual and bold and wild and alive? When do I stop trying to contain or control this essential aspect of my being? Am I ready to set the box down, and to let the silverfish and the spider emerge?

I am.  I trust myself to step into the world authentically and bravely.  I trust myself to know when I’m safe and when I’m not. I trust in the God who breathed me into this life as a woman - a woman who is wild and raw and human.  I trust in the Divine aspect of the men that I draw into my life to see me and to join me in the dance in a way that is reverent and joyful.

I recognize that this journey won’t be easy, but it’s worth the risk. It’s costing me too much to contain my power for a moment longer. 


Who would you be if you didn’t contain yourself? Interested in finding out? There is still time to join us at the upcoming Awaken Weekend in Los Angeles! Learn practices that will allow you to get in contact with your sensuality and your authentic power. www.TheAwakenWeekend.com


Who is Calista?

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Calista is a mother, a writer, and an adventure-seeker.  She teaches group workshops and works privately with others as a Transformational Coach.   Her passion is to support women who long to reconnect with their body, remember their own wisdom, and reclaim their dreams.  

Her own journey has been supported by many coaches, mentors, and teachers who have invited her to create stillness, deepen in self-awareness, and hold space for the transformation of others.   She’s grateful that she gets to share these practices with others and to support them in mapping out their own journeys. Her training includes Yoga Teacher Training with Integrative Yoga Therapy and Shivakali Yoga, coach training with International Coach Academy and the Center for Transformational Coaching & Living, and teacher certification with Embody Tantra.

In 2018, Calista left her corporate job and her home in southern California to “live in the world” and finish writing her first novel – In Peril. Her sense of adventure compelled her to let go of the life she knew in order to reach for the life she knows is possible. To read more about her travels visit her blog at www.calistaocean.com.

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Posted on July 17, 2019 .