‘I Was Afraid that if Anyone Really Saw Me, They Would Abandon Me.’ ~By Rachel

Before I started tantra, I thought I pretty much had it all together. My relationships were good.  I had good sex and could orgasm. Everything seemed fine to me.  Then one night, my lover asked me to make love to him - not just have sex with him.

I was shocked. What in the world was he talking about?!? I thought I was doing everything I was 'supposed' to do.

That experience put me on a mission to find out what he meant and how to 'fix' it. I thought that if I just figured it out and got to the bottom of it, then he would fully commit to me, that I would finally be happy and that my life would all fall together.

However, that is not what happened. My life turned upside-down and inside-out. Tantra started peeling away layer upon layer and it was extremely uncomfortable. I tried to continue being ‘perfect’ (which is impossible). I tried to figure it all out. And the whole time, in all honesty, I was petrified. I was afraid that if anyone really saw me, that they would abandon me. That I wouldn’t fit in. That they would see I was a fraud - I didn’t really have it all together.

However, as I went deeper, scared the whole freaking time (and wanting to run in the other direction), I just kept going forward. I realized that once I started this tantra journey, there was no going back.

I have been doing tantra for almost 5 years now but every time someone asks me what it is, I never know exactly what to say and/or how to explain it- especially when the only thing most people can reference is what they have seen on HBO's ‘Real Sex'.

I always explain to people that tantra, the way Charu teaches it, is a union of the spiritual with the sexual. It’s a meditative opening of the soul. A meditative opening of everything that is. Once you start, there is no going back. It’s a pandora’s box but in a good way. It opens things up to reveal who you really are - underneath all of the layers of hurt, betrayal, insecurity and other walls we have built up.

With tantra, I have started to find myself. Feel myself. The part of me that I thought was weak or that people didn’t want to see actually is the very thing to bring people closer to me. This kind of blows my mind. I always thought that I had to be strong, never let anyone see if I was upset or vulnerable. I hated feeling like I didn’t have it all together.

I have become more open, more raw, more vulnerable, more uncomfortable. Tantra has helped me to see myself - really see myself- and start to love myself for who I am instead of who I was pretending to be. Tantra has helped me reach a part of myself that I didn’t know existed. Tantra has helped me create relationships that are deeper and more profound than I thought possible.

When I have conversations now, they are all on a deeper level. I have a hard time just making small talk. And friendships that are surface-level have fallen away.

Tantra for me is like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly. It’s a transformation. And I’m excited to see who I continue to grow into.

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