Posts tagged #opening

VIDEO - Where is your tender heart?

Imagine You're In One Of Those Uncomfortable Situations... You know that feeling, that shameful feeling when someone you love is angry with you, triggered by something you’ve done. Your body turns rigid, maybe gets hot or cold, your jaw gets tight...sometimes you are even holding back tears.

They have misunderstood you. It’s not your fault. You were doing your best…

Claim your Tantra Start-up Kit Now!

Love in Real Relationships

These days, when I sit down to write this article for you, I am always amazed at just how much has past and how many things I have to share with you.

Claim your Tantra Start-up Kit Now!

Birth.

Witnessing my first birth...

I watched my friends birth process in awe as she traveled a journey from pain & exhaustion to the moment when everything she needed was suddenly there. (I have more to say about the details, but I would like to ask her permission to share before I do.)

Claim your Tantra Start-up Kit Now!

What is Tantric Orgasm?

There are so many rumors floating around when it comes to orgasm and Tantra... orgasm for hours, orgasm without ejaculating, full-body orgasm, etc. In this article I am going to attempt to shed some light on the truth behind the rumors.

Claim your Tantra Start-up Kit Now!

"It feels like someone turned on all the lights in my house and I'm walking through rooms I didn't even know were here."

I wanted to share with you an account from a recent participant of the Awaken Weekend...

Claim your Tantra Start-up Kit Now!

7 Simple steps to turn any argument into an opportunity to deepen in love

It is 2:30 in the morning and I just got off the most remarkable call with one of my clients. Yes.  You read that right.

I got a text message reaching out for help in the middle of a late-night relationship challenge and I felt compelled to answer the call.  I am so glad that I did because not only do I LOVE helping couples navigate challenges right in the heat of the moment, but I also shared some advice with them that I know will be powerful for many of you.

With their blessing, I wrote about what they experienced so we can all benefit from what is unfolding between them.  Because of the nature of their experience I have changed the names for privacy.

My clients are an amazing couple who were totally and powerfully swept away by their intense love for one another and, of course, the promise that this was truly 'the one' and they would live happily ever after.  As with any time when love comes on so powerfully, I knew they were in for a challenge as love would surely bring them all the rest...

The woman, we will call her 'Jessica', called me and was totally hysterical.  They had just had an argument, in fact, they had been arguing a lot lately and she was getting scared that maybe she had opened her heart too easily and had surrendered to a man who really may not be as 'conscious' as she had hoped.  He was defensive and angry and he wasn't willing to see or take responsibility for his patterns that were getting in the way of them connecting.

Mid-way through our conversation, the man, we'll call him 'James', came home and joined the conversation with his side of the story.  He felt she was hardening, focusing constantly on her work and not creating a space for their love to be nourished.  Because of this, often when stuff would come up between them he would not feel safe, he felt she was coming at him with a hard energy and making him wrong for his feelings.

It was a big mess.  They had gotten to the point where they both felt unsafe and misunderstood and they were certain that they knew what their partner was doing 'wrong' and exactly what they could do to change it and they were looping in these awful arguments as they tried to teach one another about their 'blind spots'.

I began to ask Jessica why she felt like it was her job to make sure that James understood where he was being unconscious.  Eventually we unraveled that she was scared.  She was scared that if he was unconscious about this small thing that came up in the argument, then some part of him was unconscious and delusional, she can't trust in or surrender to a man who is unconscious because if he does not see this now he will eventually believe something about her that is totally untrue and hurt her and essentially tear apart her life.

...once she started speaking it was clear that she was no longer talking about James.

Something magical was happening.  Their love was revealing one of her deepest patterns, the one that has held her back from opening her heart fully to any man... love will do that.

You see, thing is, on some level she is right.  James does have a layer of unconsciousness about what was coming up in their arguments, and that is exactly why she chose him.  That unconsciousness touched a part of her that felt comfortable, that on an energetic or sub-conscious level felt familiar and safe, that likely mirrored a pattern she experienced with someone she was close to in her early life.  So, when she saw this part of him it unearthed all of the times she has ever lived out this pattern.  She began to see in James, every man who had ever hurt her.  What she does not know is that every time this has happened in her life, she has called for it, she has called for it because of her desire to break through and allow love in.

What comes with this unearthing is a feeling of annihilation, of being completely unsafe and out of control... the thing that terrifies us the most, and the very same thing that those of us who long to be touched by true love long for.

Her natural defense is to create distance because touching the 'nerve' of this deeply rooted pattern, being faced with awakening beyond it threatens everything she knows.  So, she uses the coping mechanisms she has used her entire life, since the very first time she felt this fear.  She goes numb in her body, she starts to 'coach' or 'teach', she focuses on what he is doing 'wrong' and tries to 'solve' it for him, she absorbs herself in her work, she begins to shut down physically.

And it works like a charm.  As she reacts this way, he feels less and less safe, becomes more angry and distant, begins to protect himself and the man that she once surrendered to is suddenly nowhere to be found.  She is once again stuck with someone who is 'disconnected', 'unwilling to see his stuff' and whom she feels totally justified in closing her heart to.

And so it goes on.  Pattern safely back in place.  Back on track to live a life never knowing why true love seemed always just out of reach.

What a shame.

What I was able to invite both of them to do was acknowledge and become aware of this loop.

And then I told them the most important part of all:

'You both have to give up thinking that your job in this relationship is to 'transform' or 'fix' one another in ANY way, your job is simply to love.  Yes, Jessica, what you are seeing in your man is real, and it's valid that you see it, and there will be moments where your greatest growth is sharing honestly with one another what you see...

Right now what we know is that he is defensive... can you love him anyway?  Can you feel the discomfort that is alive in your body during these moments?  This is what will transform the dynamic and let love in.'

If I know one thing it's this: 'teaching' my beloved why his behavior isn't working:

1) NEVER works

2) does not bring us closer

3) is a fancy defense mechanism of my own to allow me to steer clear of being with the uncomfortable emotions that are coming up for me in that moment.

So, here is the advice I gave them for stepping out of the loop:

*you can, and should print this out and try this at home ;)

The minute one of you gets snagged by something that feels 'unsafe' or 'off' about an interaction with your partner (the kind of moment that would usually lead to a 'fight'):

  1. If you feel compelled to 'call out' your partner OR 'coach them through what you see them doing' OR rage OR defend your point of view STOP --> bring the attention back to yourself.  This is NOT about your partner, it's about what the story between you has to teach you about yourself.  This is a blessing. Without this moment, you would never have gotten to know this part of yourself (don't use the blessing bit to bypass the intensity of your emotions please).
  2. Name what you are feeling in your body ~ physical sensations, for example: 'I noticed my body just got tense, my heart is pounding, my stomach hurts, I'm breathing more shallow'
  3. Name what you are afraid of. This one can be a bit tricky and you can begin with saying what you are feeling.  For example: 'I'm feeling so angry, I'm afraid that you will never understand me'.
  4. Be with it and hear your partner if they have something to share (partner, please only share in this same manner for now).
  5. Now, put your bodies together. Yup.  Forget about making your point, forget about somehow making your partner into who you want them to be, just HUG them.
  6. And breathe.
  7. The entire talking part of this exercise should only take between 5-10 minutes (which will save you a lot of time if you are currently butting heads and looping in arguments that can eat up hours).

WARNING: When you hug, especially if you are angry or hurt or any other intense emotion... it will BURN.  This is PERFECT!  The hug is NOT a resolution, it is not reserved for the moment when you feel close again.  It is meant to be smack in the middle of the intensity that you are used to playing out in a certain way.

The opportunity is for you to make a different choice. To step right into the fire and rather than disperse all of that powerful energy that is between you as you start to touch those hot buttons, you learn to use it.  To meet the intensity of the emotion and actually learn to be present to it (which is different than repressing and expressing it).  By being present to it, you allow it to undo you.  You let it burn.  This burn is, from a Tantric perspective, literally burning away old ties, contracts with old behaviors that quite simply have been leading us away from love and awakening rather than towards it.

*Know this: I am not trying to say that there is never a time for talking it all out, there definitely is.  This is one way to experiment that I have found effective.  With practice and guidance, you can learn when this is the right way to approach a conflict and when other experiments will be more beneficial.

Extra Credit:

Sure you spend time watching TV together, arguing, getting the kids to bed, sharing a meal, talking about practical stuff but are you devoting enough time to love?

  • Get out your calendars (especially busy people) and calendar at least 5 minutes each day to get naked and hold your beloved. This does not have to be sexy time, just time for sharing love and harvesting your connection. Little is more important than your intimate relationship, if you don't invest in the love it won't grow.
  • Plan at least one hour a week that is just about loving, intimate time together. Not dinner, not a movie, not 'doing' anything but being together and enjoying, loving one another.  Ideas: share a bath, go for a walk, shower your partner with kisses, give them a massage, blindfold them and caress them with rose petals... if you would like this time to include sexy time, add an additional hour.

Give this a try and let me know how it goes!  I genuinely LOVE hearing about your progress and what works for you.

Just in case you are skeptical about whether or not this stuff really works…Here is what they both shared with me after our session:

From Her:

“Loving you so much.  We made love last night before bed and felt much better.  No one else I know could have so skillfully done what you just did. Your guidance and support was absolutely invaluable.”

From Him:

“Thank you for you being you and the magical work you do.

We (I) am forever grateful : )”

in love,

Charu

Claim your Tantra Start-up Kit Now!

Giving it up...

What an amazing weekend.  I shared the work I love so much in a two day workshop. After the workshop ended, I felt something new open up inside of me.  I felt warm and open and vibrant.  When my Love and I got home we made love and it had a new and dynamic playfulness and passion.  I allowed myself to enjoy him and delight in his body.  I feel like for some reason every so often I don't let myself have all the pleasure that is avaialble because on some level I am busy holding a grudge on man or living in fear that if I truly surrender to this I have somehow lost the upper hand.  I don't know exactly what I am fighting for, perhaps it is just an age-old power struggle.

What I will say is this, life is so much sweeter, lovemaking is so much sweeter, my relationship is so much richer when I give it up.  Give up trying to be right, give up carefully controlling how much love I express in any given moment, give up holding back, give up protecting myself.

As I gave up last night I felt my body open.  I let my Beloved touch me so deeply that it scared me.  I felt an ache inside of me that his penetrating seemed to aggravate...and still I surrendered.  And somehow magically, my body opened up and I allowed him to uncover this long lost part of me.

It is tender, it is raw.  It is the unknown place... where I am not a teacher, not a lover, I cannot be defined.  I don't know myself.  The place where I simply 'am'.  And then I don't have to worry about any 'Tantric Technique' or how to 'get it right' or how to 'be a good person' or 'seek enlightenment' or even how to achieve multiple orgasms... in this moment of presence those ideas and stories have no space to survive...

P.S. Want some help integrating Tantra into your life?  Come and check out our BIG EVENT Evening of Awakening this Saturday 7-11pm in Santa Monica, CA http://eveningofawakening.com

P.P.S. Not local to LA, but you want to get started from home?  Check out my new home-study course for women http://awakentoyourbody.com

Want to use this article? You can as long as you include the following: Charu Morgan has dedicated her life to Tantra. Over the past 10 years she has studied and shared Tantra worldwide. Best-known for her candid Memoirs of a Tantrika blog and her down-to-earth approach, she is committed to educating modern minds on the ancient secrets of Tantra through coaching, events & home-study courses. If you would like to discover how Tantra can Transform your life, register online for the Memoirs of a Tantrika weekly ezine at www.embodytantra.com and receive your free audio report Better Sex, Richer Life through Tantra.

Claim your Tantra Start-up Kit Now!

Throw Away Your Self-Help Books

Lately, I have noticed that I have been rather negative.  Thinking negative, sludgy thoughts, speaking of the things that are not going the way I would like in a negative way, and in many ways hanging out and bathing in this well of negativity. It occurred to me that I have probably been creating a negative cloud around me and I should refer back to tools such as; the power of 'thinking positive'.  Problem is, that whenever I consider tools around 'positive thinking' or 'gratitude' it makes me want to vomit.  Seriously, something just does not feel right about it.  Something is off.

When I have an internal 'yes' for something there is no stopping me.  I can feel it in my body, in my teeth, how right it is and the universe moves in order to support me in that yes.

I often feel this 'yes' when I meet a teacher who I resonate with, a person I want to spend more time with, a work partner... and, of course, I feel this yes for Tantra.

Yesterday, within my sludge of negativity, I had a fantastic day of delicious meditation.  I began in the afternoon with my meditation on the goddess Tripura Bhairavi, which I learned from a recent workshop with Parvathi and have taken on as a 40 day practice to embody the qualities of this goddess in my life... I then gave a private session where my client and I delved into Bio-energetic techniques to build the charge of life force and arousal in our bodies before allowing it to flow through us... and finally, I attended Dawn Cartwright's Friday Tantra Experience class where we awakened to the Sutra 'Unminding Mind, Be in the Middle, until...'

By the time I arrived at class I was already buzzing.  Within the first five minutes I felt something crack open inside of me and I was alive with absolute love and gratitude... I did not think this, it was an actual physical sensation.  I felt my absolute devotion to Tantra on a cellular level and my love for Dawn, for my beloved, for all my friends... and even for the strangers who shared in this evening with me. Ahhhh.

...And suddenly I knew why I feel sick when I think about positive thinking or gratitude lists...

What I am longing for, what I know to be real and true in my body, is so far beyond my negative thoughts, so far beyond changing my behavior or thinking in any way, what I am longing for isn't even on the same planet as these concepts.  What I am longing for is simple, it is effortless, it is absolute reality and it awakens through my body.  Once I touch it, everything is transformed.  Negative thoughts are not a 'problem' because the story has dissolved.  I don't need to 'think positive' or 'be grateful' because I am fully embodied.  The wholeness that I experience is in itself a radiant love and gratitude, and I don't need to name it.

This is what I am holding for.  This is what I surrender everything to.  This is what Tantra has given me.

Claim your Tantra Start-up Kit Now!