“I tried to continue being ‘perfect’ (which is impossible). I tried to figure it all out. And the whole time, in all honesty, I was petrified. I was afraid that if anyone really saw me, that they would abandon me. That I wouldn’t fit in. That they would see I was a fraud - I didn’t really have it all together.” ~Rachel
Rachel’s comment above resonates so deeply with me it aches.
I have, for a very long time, been committed to ‘perfection’ ~ whatever that really means. I have assessed every situation and strategically made choices that would have me show up in the best way possible.
Somehow I was wired to believe that if I did it ‘wrong’ (by whose judgement? I don’t know…) I would die, I would be punished.
It’s a dramatic outlook for sure, but the sensations I would feel in my body when I ‘didn’t get it right’ would burn so much, would be so uncomfortable that it felt like a small death. I would feel isolated and alone and so very wrong.
If no one was externally punishing me for my ‘wrongdoings’, I was punishing myself.
This all led to more tightness. The more I tried to be perfect, the more I seemed to ‘fuck up’.The more exhausted I became by trying to hold it all together. And the further away I got from everyone I loved.
The tension I build up in my body was exhausting and unsustainable.
Can you relate?
When this kind of tension builds up we begin to lose sensation. We get numb. We can lose our desire for sex or become addicted to sex/masturbation for release, to feel something, anything. All of our resources are being used to attempt to control our circumstances.
It is Tantra that saves me again and again from myself, from this pattern that runs so deep inside of me. Tantra has given me the tools to develop a new relationship with the sensations, with the burning that once shut me down and turned me off.
It’s given me a new self-awareness. As I watch myself reacting in old ways, I can find humor and wisdom in it. Tantra has opened new paths inside of me to say ‘yes’. I have found a sense of freedom and simplicity - rather than a tightening.
This week I’m sharing Rachel’s writing with you (see below) about her adventure with Tantra, especially in regards to ‘getting it right’.
Rachel’s journey began at a Level 1 Awaken Weekend. There is no better place to shed these old stories and allow ourselves to open to something new. Truly.
If you are ready, I encourage you to take the first step and join us Aug 1 & 2.